How to get trains when the wife says, "You have too many!"
My wife is under the mistaken impression that I already have more than enough trains. She causes a ruckus if she discovers I have added to the consist. This is out of all proportion to reason. Of course, I am not the only one with this problem. Between postings on message boards and email from visitors, it is obvious that many serious railfans have the problem with the missus.
Here are several tactics for acquiring trains without gaining the attention of the old lady:
One way the wife catches a purchase is when it shows up on the credit card bill. There are several ways out of this. Some train vendors are also into other businesses, and when they bill the card, they list their other specialty. They might show up on the invoice as "Office Supplies" or "Hardware." Most wives will not quibble over such "necessities."
If you choose to pay by check, you can still be caught. The monthly statement will show where the check went. A way around this is to use postal money orders.
Have items sent to the home of a friend, or the office. This way your wife won't intercept delivery of trains. After all, the return address of the vendor is usually displayed, and many ship in boxes gotten from manufacturers. Nothing gives you up like a box with a bright red 'Williams Trains' on the side!
If a delivery to the house is intercepted, you can say, 'Oh, good, I hope they repaired it right." Tell the wife that it is not new, but an item sent back for repair. If it happens often enough, the wife might wonder why you buy that brand of trains, seeing as they have to go back to the shop so often....
You can also use the "back from repair' if caught bringing a new train into the house. "I took it down the hobby shop last week to get the E unit recalibrated, dear. they finally fixed it for me...."
If you're a steam fan, it is easier to conceal new trains. Most steam engines are black and they blend in. Since most wives are not experts in spotting the difference between a pacific or Hudson, you can get away with it.
Diesels are another problem. Though the wife might not know an FA2 from an E7A, she will get to recognize colors and maybe even a few road names. Two that they learn quickly are Chessie - because of the cat - and Santa Fe. Be careful when you bring out a diesel with a notable paint scheme - especially one that isn't already in your consist. Conspicuous schemes include EMD demonstrator SDs, BNSF and other new roads.
Leave the trains in the trunk of the car. Go inside the house first to see if the wife is there. Only when you are sure the coast is clear, bring it inside.
You might conceal a new loco among other packages. Beware, since some train packaging is conspicuous. Wives have an uncanny ability to spot MTH, Lionel and Williams boxes amid a pile of similarly-colored packages. Many also know to look for a gold K-Line on black boxes.
Once you get the train in the house, hide the packaging! That includes the styrofoam packing.
Once inside, you are not in the clear. The wife can walk in any time. (Like the time I got a B&O F7 set, and thought the wife wouldn't be home for 2 more hours. They closed her building at work due to an electrical problem and sent her home early. I just managed to slip the train under a table when she walked in....) Go to a place where you can easily slide the train out of sight. Take it out, and immediately place packaging in a nondescript bag.
If you are throwing packaging in the trash, bury it under other household debris. If the wife goes out to drop something in the trash can, she won't be amused if she discovers fresh train boxes lying there!
Wives don't live in a railroad vacuum. From being around you, they learn a few things. They know what road names you favor, and what color schemes your trains have. The wife has seen you run your trains and has an idea of what you have. Almost every wife knows Chessie, mainly because of the cat. Most know the local railroad on sight, if not by name. They can identify paint schemes and even worse, get to know the names of the roads associated with these colors. So be careful when you get a new train in an unfamiliar road name / paint scheme.
Wives learn to spot certain letters, mainly because they hear you discuss them with your friends. (In my case, the wife knows CNJ, NH, PRR and NYC. I think she might also know DL&W and EL) Be aware - it might save problems when concealing a new purchase amid your existing consist.
What do you do if your wife thinks she sees a new piece? Here are a few things:
Say "What do you mean? I've had that since...." Try to sound sincere.
Or "Oh, no - that's the old Santa Fe one - we repainted it down the club because the paint was getting worn."
"New? That's old! I just don't run it much because I like the F7s better."
"I didn't buy it. I traded those three junkers for it."
When bringing out new trains on the layout, mix them amid old stuff. She might not notice an individual piece among the others. Do this for a while. She will get used to seeing the new piece, and so won't be alerted if you run it alone. This applies to sets! Scatter the individual cars among your current consist and keep them there for a week or two. Then, you should be able to run them together as a unit train without catching flak. If she does ask, you can say, "But you've seen them here before, right? So where did you get that crazy idea they were new?"
Don't let the kids see that you have a new train. Kids will rat on you every time!
If a vendor has to call the house about the arrival of new trains, mention to him that you have to evade the wife. Most vendors are used to this and will allay suspicion, should she pick up the phone first.
Join a club and/or set yourself up as an amateur repairman. If the wife spots a new train, just say, "I'm fixing that for someone down at the club." Very effective!
One fellow's doctor had an office near the hobby shop. When out shopping in town, he'd tell the wife he had to ask the doctor a question. Then he'd go to the office, cut through the back door and slip over to the hobby shop. He'd buy his goods and return via the back door. Appearing at the front, he had his well-concealed purchases and a good story. "Gee, dear, I had a crimp in the McHenry couplers......"
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Advice from Friends
(Ideas submitted by you!)
Here's some advice from fellow-railfan Milo Tsukroff:
"There are better ways to deal with it rather than hiding it from the wife. Most wives (my own beautiful wife included) are happy that their railroad modeler husband is enjoying himself at home rather than going out.
You could always try these lines. You give her a big hug and tell her, 'Honey, you're right. I'm going to give up trains as a hobby. Instead, I'm going to ' ...
o> 'Get a new hobby down at the bar around the corner. I'm going to work on becoming a serious drunk.'
o> 'Join a presidential campaign and spend my nights phoning people and arguing politics. If we're lucky, we can throw parties for candidates right here in the house!'
o> 'Spend my nights working out at the gym down the street. I've met the instructor & she's real cute.'
o> 'Spend time getting seriously involved with people. Are any of your friends available?'
o> 'Get a hound dog and go out nights coon hunting. Also I'll need a really beat-up pickup truck.'
o> 'Take up indoor gardening. I'll start by growing pot in the basement.'
o> 'Get a motorcycle. You'll look great in leather!'
o> 'Start a religion, for fun and profit. Here are your beads. Now bow down and worship me.'
Hopefully, when your wife realizes all the OTHER things that you could be doing, she'll be glad that you're 'just playing with toy trains'. I know my wife is. submitted by Milo Tsukroff, April 2000
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More advice will be posted as we learn new tricks for outfoxing the old lady!
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