Copyright 2003 T. Sheil & A. Sheil All Rights Reserved
A boy's view of Ancient warfare
I cannot speak of today's youth, but in 1960 there was a code accepted by all little boys. It was a set of nonsensical unwritten rules. Little boys did not see them as nonsensical, however, and no amount of adult reasoning could deter a boy from respecting that code. A five year old was baffled that adults could not see the logic of the unwritten rules.
One of the rules involved attire. It was perfectly alright to be seen wearing a swimsuit. It was NOT okay to be seen running around in your underwear, or even to expose any underwear at all. These were the days of :
"I see London, I see France,
I see Johnny's underpants.
They're not white, they're not blue.
They are filled with Number Two."
The only mitigation was if everyone else were in their underwear, too. For instance: if it was your cousins staying over for the night. If everyone was in their underwear, it was okay to be seen. If you were the only one with any underwear showing, it was not okay. You were due for ridicule.
Back then, there were genre of movies where half-naked men ran around. These included the Hercules movies, the Jason and the Argonauts movies, and Gladiator movies. We called the guys in those movies "naked underwear guys" because they were all running around in white drawers. White was the color of underwear. Other colors were for swimsuits. Thus, they were the naked underwear guys. That phrase described the entire ancient genre for us, from the Homeric Era to the downfall of Rome.
The rules for playing Ancient warrior were complex, being tempered by certain anatomical limitations. Chief among them was a peculiar gait that came with the warmer weather.
On a hot summer day, when running on pavement of any kind, little boys instinctively adopt the 'Concrete two-step.' This is a forward-moving, jogging, stomping pace that resembles a cross between a Slinky and clog dancing. The knees and toes point outward at 45 degree angles, while feet alternately stomp up and down. The leg has a kind of piston motion, the knees rise waist-high to propel the barefoot boy forward. It looks like a flamingo on stimulants. This hopping stomp-jog can propel the child forward fast enough, while mitigating the discomfort of running barefoot on hot pavement.
The Concrete two-step is also used when wearing flip-flop sandals, scuba flippers and any other kind of bouncing footwear.
The coordination of little boys is such that in the performance of the Concrete Two-step, they can only hold one thing, and it must be something that can be held at shoulder height or higher. The free hand remains free, incapable of holding anything while the rest of the body is doing the Two-Step. The things that are holdable are usually stick-like. Give a boy anything round or spherical when the Two-step is in motion, and he will drop it immediately.
You will note that the attire for the Concrete Two Step is a bathing suit, a.k.a. swim trunks. When involved in aquatic sports, from wading pools to sprinklers, boys are usually barefoot around hot concrete. Though usually an urban phenomenon, it also occurs in the rural areas wherever watery fun meets hard cement. As boys are likely to shift activities on a moment's notice, so the swimsuit-clad boys may abandon the watery activity, but remain appropriately clad for the Concrete Two Step.
One such day, the boy around the block and his brother were in their wading pool, which their parents had put up in the concrete yard by their garage. Paul was dressed for the occasion - swimsuit, barefoot, with a kiddie scuba mask and the kind of kiddie flippers that only covered the front of the foot. A rubber strap with aluminum buckle was wrapped around the ankle to keep them on. The straps invariably broke after a few swims. Paul and Gene were playing some kind of scuba-duba.
We were not dressed for swimming, but we went over by Paul's anyway. He and Gene tried splashing us from the wading pool. One of us shouted, 'Look, he is Skinny Diver Dan!"
"Skinny Diver Dan is splashing us!"
Now, this was not real taunting. It was playing at taunting, but nonetheless was a boys' nonsense game. Paul grabbed a plastic hoe. It was the only "weapon" allowed, since his parents would not allow him to have toy guns or swords. Grabbing it in his right hand, Paul advanced in a perfect Concrete two Step. He wielded the plastic farm implement in his right hand, thus immobilizing the left. Gene followed. If you don't know this game, the next phase was for us to run away, shouting, "Skinny Diver Dan is after us!" and other nonsensical taunts.
Off we ran, our PF Flyers and Keds giving us protection from concrete. We could run normally. Paul and Gene had to resort to the Concrete Two-Step, it being a hot day, the ground being concrete, and both being almost barefoot. Paul led, plastic hoe in hand. He wielded it skillfully, hoe upright. Around the block we ran, with us far ahead and Paul and Gene two-stepping with a notable flapping sound. They were both wearing those half-flippers. Thus they had the disadvantage of flippers plus bare feet.
I am sure we were quite a sight: three small boys pursued by two boys in flippers and scuba masks.
The Concrete Two Step is the primary means of moving in the Summer, at least for boys who forego shoes. This shoelessness was not limited to Southern Goober People, but to all kids once July came. Because the boys are usually clad in swimsuits, and sticks are available, at some time before the return to footwear and clothing there will erupt a game of Gladiators and Hercules. Because of the awkwardness imposed on boys by the Two-Step, they will be wielding sticks as swords, but go shield-less. Keep in mind that these were the days when the only naked underwear guys on TV were Hercules re-runs. We were not allowed to watch professional wrestling. Wrestling was for people like my great grandmother, who folded back the pages of her TV Guide so she would not miss it. Boys could watch Hercules. And Hercules meant ancient Greeks with swords, and that meant sticks. It also meant a lot of imagination to try to imitate some of the monster guys in those Hercules flicks. We couldn't all be Steve Reeves.
Gladiators were the same thing, to us. Naked underwear guys with swords. Both kinds of movies were the same. Boys are very patient with movies. A boy will sit through ninety minutes of story line, plots and even love scenes just to watch the big sword fight. That's wear a hundred guys in swimsuits have a big sword fight all over the place. Who needs Film Noire? Between Steve Reeves and Cecil B.DeMille, little boys had their vision of the finest cinematics.
Sword fights were important, because some movies spent too much time on idle chatter. Take Spartacus, a classic of great sword fights interspersed with too much mush. The heck with all the kissing and fussing! We wanted to see the guy with the trident - we called it a pitchfork - skewer the guy with the sword. Just drop that net on him and zing with the pitchfork! Yeah! They could have made a movie of nothing but sword fights, catapult shots and arrow-shooting and it would have been the best thing for any kid under 12.
Boys' sword fighting had its own rules. The idea was not to aim for the "opponent" but to swing at whatever stick he was using as a sword. Sword fighting was a game of whacking sticks. This is what they did in the movies, and since the movies were true, it was what we were supposed to do. Little boys have no concept of "fencing" or parrying. That is fortunate, since whacking sticks is less likely to do harm than whacking each other with sticks.
Now, knightly behavior forbade the swimsuit, so if you played Knights and Vikings you had to be dressed and wearing shoes. Swimsuits and underwear were for playing gladiators and Hercules. Nobody wanted to be the Roman guy because they had to wear skirts. Everyone wanted to be Hercules. And Spartacus.
So it was that a common sight in Summer were packs of little boys doing the Concrete Two-Step, moving in little gaggles, each holding some kind of stick. This was a game of Gladiators. If one boy had no stick, he was Hercules and so it was a game of Hercules. Hercules could not have a sword.
Cooler weather brought a seasonal cessation to our outdoor Hercules / Gladiator games. Without swimsuits and the Concrete Two Step, conditions weren't right for it. Summer's waning meant a return to playing Robin Hood and Knights and Vikings. All this was somewhere within those nonsensical unwritten rules that boys have, right between the rules concerning underwear and flippers.
